Knit Together

I am far from a perfect person....when moved to it, I can cuss like a sailor (just ask the girls who have gathered with me around the breakroom table at the Wiz) and have been known, on occasion, to have just one glass of wine too many. (There are other "not so perfect" things about me, but I won't bore you:) I so admire those women who keep their cool, never show the stress of their lives....knowing not one of us is immune to it....see the good above all else in everyone they meet, and can smile and have something positive to say when things are falling down around them.  I so admire those who are blessed with that personality type that, at one point in my life, I spent quite a bit of time questioning why "the big man upstairs" didn't bless me with those same innate qualities.  I think this question was just one in a long line of other questions that plagued me about why I wasn't "good enough, popular enough, loved enough, pretty enough, etc." I finally came to a place of resolution through this scripture:

Psalm 139

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand —
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

I have a really difficult time pulling just bits of scripture out and discussing them.  I feel like it's easy to get the wrong idea/picture if I don't know all that is surrounding that bit of scripture.  ANYWAY, the specific part of Psalm 139 that gives me goosies every time is Psalm 139:13-14:

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

WOW! If the God of the universe knit me together in my mother's womb and He IS perfect and makes no mistakes, then who am I to question his creation.....me? He knows when I am going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, make the wrong decisions and he loves me anyway!

Now, I know there is a lot more to all of this, but this bit of scripture has been vital to the journey I have been on over the last several years.  I have begun the arduous process of accepting myself for the person I was created to be, asking for guidance every moment of every day to make the right choices, and learning to forgive myself when I fail....and I most definitely fail!!  We are our own worst critics, aren't we??

Tomorrow, I will begin the process of dealing with a physical problem that is a result of a culmination of life events/issues, including my journey to learning to love and accept myself.  At noon tomorrow, I will be checking into the hospital to have bariatric surgery.  I am nervous, excited, scared....a mix of emotions; but, mostly I am thankful beyond words to be able to take this next step in my journey.  No more hiding.  No more self-medicating. No more doubting.  It's not going to be easy, but it needs to be!

I am thankful for the encouragement and support I have received thus far....even from those who aren't so sure about all of this:) I will certainly continue to need that support as I learn to deal with life in a whole new way...and for my family as....well, as I learn to deal with life in a whole new way!! Poor guys:)  One of those ways, I hope, will be through this blog.  It's really quite theraputic to get some of these thoughts/emotions out of my head and down on "paper."

Peace,

K